Handicapper Saved From Rapture

Perusing the other contestants in the public handicapper contest I stumbled upon a holy affirmation that I would like to share. Between the picks, endless stats and various handle-names it looks like a soul was on the line. A contestant named C Matters wields an unorthodox and unique handicapping style. Judging by the small sample of results it seems to be working well for C Matters. The stakes were high for him in the Lanes End as his fate wavered in the wind like a cat tail shifting about in November storm. With everything on the line C Matter's fate rode alongside Edgar Prado around the polytrack at Turfway.

A man was found dead Wednesday in what appears to have been a suicide at a residential construction site on a lot owned by Mel Gibson. The Lost Hills Sheriff's Department received a 911 call at 8:09 a.m. alerting authorities to a man hanging from the rafter of a house on Sierra Creek Road in Agoura Hills, Los Angeles County. Law enforcement sources say the body was found hanging in the addition to the home that was being built and was in "full-body rigor mortis" and the hanging could have occurred the night before.

Don't quote me on this, but according to Inside C Dot's Hollywood scuttlebutt, the worker had a piece of construction paper with the words, Lane's End: look in my pants pockets stapled to his forehead. Cops found two notes, one in each pocket. They read: Robbie The Human Anchor Albaradotros and Edgar My Favorite Tamale Prado.

Scuttlebutt in hand, my mind's been made. It's Holy Saturday. I'll be taking this afternoon's Lane's end outcome as a sign from God: if Adriano wins, I'm heaven bound; if Racecar Rhapsody wins, my future's anchored in hell; if neither win, a jillion years in purgatory.

As mysterious as picking winners is the scourged mind of an unbelieving, guilt-ridden lapsed Catholic.